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I’m not particularly keen on the Spider-Man. Perhaps my feelings towards him comes from the fact that I am no longer a teen and can’t identify with him myself. Or perhaps it comes from the Sam Raimi abortions films that everyone is trying to forget. But, either way, that didn’t stop me from picking up a copy of a copy of The Amazing Spider-Man #6 to read before the movie hit the theaters.

Before I begin, I’ve got to call spoilers on this one. If you are planning on seeing the movie and you don’t want the plot ruined, EXIT THIS PAGE NOW! Although this comic isn’t exactly like the film, it shares some key points.

Okay? Let’s begin.

There’s terror and panic in the Everglades as a huge, reptile-like monster throws trees at innocent people. He’s pissed that everyone is in his swamp, and he wants them out for good. There is nothing anyone can do to stop him.

We join our neighbor Spidey as he reads a newspaper on a rooftop. The headline of the paper reads, “The Bugle Challenges Spider-Man To Defeat The Lizard.” Spider-Man, although peeved at people challenging him to do silly things, thinks it a good idea to see if Mr. Jameson, the Bugle’s editor-in-chief, will send Peter Parker to Florida to capture photos of The Lizard. But, Jameson refuses.

Later, at a museum, Spider-Man beats the shit out of some very piss-poor criminals. He overhears them with his Spider Ears (Do spiders have ears?) as they explain what they’re going to be stealing and how they’re going to escape. Perhaps if they weren’t such Scooby-Doo-like characters, they would have escaped with the ruby and the high school broad, Liz

After the foiled heist, Spider-Man convinces Mr. Jameson, by hanging him from the ceiling with some web, to let Peter Parker go to Florida. Jameson agrees to it, but under one condition — Jameson comes along, too.

After landing in Florida, Parker gives Jameson the slip and flies to the Everglades with his Spider Web Wings (Do spiders have wings?). As he’s snooping around, he comes to the water’s edge. There, the Lizard, laying in waiting, decides to strike!

Spider-Man screams out to no one:

My foot! Something grabbed me from behind!

After a small struggle and many more proclamations from The Lizard that “the swampland is mine,” Spider-Man is Spider-Shot into a tree. Interesting enough, that tree just so happens to be by a window and there just so happens to be a woman behind that window who is upset. Being the caring guy Spidey is, he swoops in to help her out.

It just so happens that the crying woman is the wife of Dr. Curtis Conners, a local reptile expert, and she’s crying because she knows who The Lizard is on the inside. Her husband, an amputee, was experimenting with cross-species genetics and tested out a serum on himself that contained lizard DNA in hopes to regrow his missing arm. Well, as you can expect, the arm did grow back. But, it had a huge fucking lizard monster attached to it!

Holy lizard-skinned baggage, Spider-Man!

But, just as Mrs. Conners finishing speaking, her son, little Billy, screams from outside. He has been cornered by The Lizard, who just wants to talk to his little boy. Spider-Man swoops in on his Spider Web Wings (Again?) and saves Billy.

Inside Conner’s office, Spider-Man uses his Spider Brain (Do spiders have… Ah, fuck it.) to create an antidote to counteract the lizard serum. But, just as he was done, The Lizard breaks in an buries Spidey under a pile of rubble. There, Spider-Man plays Spider Opossum until The Lizard leaves to “spill his serum” into the swamp.

Spider-Man finds The Lizard holed up in an old Spanish fort. There the two do a Spider Dance-O-Death that takes them from floor to ceiling. As the pair fall from the ceiling, Spider-Man manages to feed the antidote to The Lizard and he is transformed back into an armless, broken man.

End.

After reading The Amazing Spider-Man #6, I understand where the obnoxious character Tobey McGuire had played came from. Although the monologues and dialogues were a bit hokey in parts, I see where Stan Lee was going with it. The silly catchphrases and obvious observations are all indicative of a teenager with a lot to learn.

Spider-Man is a little bit of all of us when we were teenagers. There are times when we think we are invincible and we are not. There are times when we think we are smarter than we are and we are not. And, there are sometimes when all we want to do is spray our web everywhere.

You know what I’m talking about.

After reading this issue, I think I can get into some Spider-Man comics. I guess I can find something redeeming in the silly inner monologues after all. But, he still can’t hold a match to Batman. Let’s see where his web slinging gets him when he’s served up a fistful of justice to his Spider Face.

Here’s a take on Spider-Man from The Batman (@God_Damn_Batman) himself:

If I had spider powers, let’s just say Uncle Ben would still be alive and New York criminals would be too scared to leave the house

 

 

 

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